02.16.08

3:55 a.m.

You only lose what you cling to

I have serious abandonment issues, which I think youíre all pretty aware of by now Iím pretty sure it started at 15 during my parentsí divorce when they both moved out of the house and literally left me to raise myself. I didnít see my mother for almost 6 months and rarely thereafter. My father came home and spent the night once a week at most, with once a month being the norm.

Since then Iíve had a string of bad relationships, one after the other. Jeremy being the most significant, and probably important one thus far and that relationship ended with him storming out the door never to be heard from again Ė or at least not for years. Four and a half years of a relationship and I didnít even get a goodbye, let alone proper closure.

I think Iíve been conditioned to expect people to just leave me without warning or even saying goodbye, and with this expectation has grown such irrational fear that I canít even think straight when I feel like itís going to happen again. Itís especially bad when I upset or hurt someone I care about. I have this panic attack/fight or flight reaction and immediately focus all my energy and effort into making sure they donít leave. Iíll beg, Iíll plead, I often cry. And what for? Itís completely counterproductive and makes their desire to leave even stronger. It doesnít even matter who the person is Ė Iíve done it to The Boy (more than once already) and I completely trust him and KNOW, without a doubt, that he loves me and heís not that kind of person.

And, when I think about it rationallyÖ when I think about it any other time except at that very moment, I see how absolutely ridiculous Iím being. I KNOW that itís irrational behavior. I KNOW that itís doing nothing but pushing them further away. I KNOW that they arenít going to leave me forever. Yet, in that instant I canít stop from feeling like the world is caving in on me and that Iíll be left again, by someone I love, without explanation or a goodbye.

I know people fight. I know people get upset. I get upset, I get mad, and I want to just leave a situation at times and come back later. Why canít I trust that other people will come back, too? And itís not like I even want a relationship where we donít fight. I think fighting and arguments and disagreements help us learn about each other and appreciate each other more. And with that, gain trust that the other person isnít going to abandon you, or give up on you. I KNOW this, so why do I panic so badly?

Sometimes I feel like I havenít emotionally matured past the age of twelve. I need that reassuring, simplified explanation that parents tell their children when they get frustrated and angry. The whole, ďI love you. I will always love you. But, Iím really upset right now and I need time away. Iím going to leave, but I will be back. I promise.Ē And really, when you think about it, how pathetic is that? Iím 28 years old and I still need that kind of reassurance!? No one wants to date a child.

When I was younger and things would get bad Iíd think about how someday someone would come and rescue me. That there was someone in the world made just for me and he would understand me, and love me, and fix me. Because I am broken, and more than anything I wanted someone who would love me so much that it would fix me; that their unconditional love would allow me to finally love myself, too. That they would take care of me and protect me and hold me and tell me everything would be ok because they were there and they wouldnít let anyone hurt me ever again.

And I suppose that a lot of little girls thought that, or dreamed it, or whatever. But they all grew up and realized that itís never going to happen and that you have to take personal responsibility and fix yourself because no one will ever want someone who is broken.

But I still dream about it, and I still want that, and I still believe that itís going to happen someday.

But I make it so fucking hard. I make it so hard to love me because I really donít know how to be loved. And it makes me afraid that no one will want to put in the effort - that no one will work that hard to save me - because I donít know if Iím even worth it.

I pray The Boy doesnít give up on me, even when I make it difficult to love me.

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