01.10.08
5:35 p.m.
I'm sorry just isn't going to make things better
I have hurt the only person that has truly, unconditionally loved and accepted me, and I feel like my heart has been ripped out. There have been times when I thought others have loved me unconditionally, but I was obviously mistaken. This was so across the board, no matter what, unconditional that it scared me.It's my fault, I hate myself so much that I can't even see when I'm hurting someone else. How fucking self centered and selfish can I be? It makes me physically ill that I've done this, and there's nothing I can do to make it better. There is no magic fix and I have to live with the fact that I've just lost the most amazing, beautiful soul I've ever met, from my life.
I also know that I'm for sure, bat shit crazy. I've been off my medicine for almost two months now because I can't afford the doctor visit and blood work. I freak out at the slightest things, I feel anxious and I've binged and purged more. I've done it every hour today and I can't even speak anymore. I've also been avoiding the doctor because I know they will want to put me back on prednisone for my throat, and I haven't even lost the weight from the last round. My face is swollen from my tonsils already, so adding steroids would make me look like I was ready to explode.
You know, I used to believe that I didn't deserve the kind of guys I always ended up with - the ones that beat me, emotionally and physically - but I'm positive now that I do. At least when I get hit, I feel something. And really, no one else deserves to be stuck with me.
I just want to sleep forever
I'm sorry.
