My father cancelled lunch on Friday and rescheduled to today. He didn't show today. No call, or anything, just didn't show.
I haven't seen him since before Thanksgiving. We'd make lunch dates every week and he would call and cancel every time.
I eventually quit calling him to reschedule. He quit calling to reschedule, too and I figured that was the end of it.
He called me last week and wanted to see me immediately, and I knew it was something bad.
On the phone to cancel, he told me my mother is suing him. Suddenly I'm important enough to talk to. Suddenly, I'm the one he can vent to about how unfair it is.
I'm so god damn sick of being the fucking child caught in the middle. I'm so sick of feeling this way. I'm so fucking sick of being so small and insecure and scared and sad.
I try talking to Jackie and I'm interrupted every 10 seconds by her talking to her child. Then she starts talking about something else, or "mhmm" and "oh, yeahs".
I just wish someone would listen. I just wish I could cry to someone and they would tell me it'll be ok and that I'll be fine and that I don't deserve this and that I'm a good person.
I know that if this was someone else, and I was reading this, I would tell them all those things and actually mean it. I would be sincere and honest and truly believe that they don't deserve to feel like this, and it's not their fault, and that they are worthy of love and that they deserve better. But, because it's me I can't. I can't say these things to myself because I don't truly believe that I'm worthy of anything.
And logically, I know. But, emotionally, I still think I'm worthless.
I'm so tired of waiting for someone to save me. I just wish I could save myself.
But instead, I just get angry and hurt.
Julie: and then you leave like that
Julie: you leave like that because you know it hurts me
Julie: and i am so fucking emotionally fragile right now
Julie: and i try to talk to you
Julie: and you leave like that
Julie: you leave like that to make me hurt
Julie: there is no other reason for it
Julie: i can't believe
Julie: that i still care
Julie: I can't believe that i still let you hurt me like that
Julie: i can't believe that i still hold out hope that someday we'll be able to share like we used to
Julie: that someday we'll be best friends again
Julie: i can't believe i let you hurt me by leaving like that all the fucking time
Julie: i'm so fucking stupid
Julie: i'm so fucking stupid for thinking otherwise