I'm so sorryWhen I feel particularly ashamed, I avoid it here.
I feel really ashamed lately. Which is why Iíve been avoiding it here.
I keep doing this. I keep doing things that I logically know will hurt me, and hurt people I love, but I canít stop.
I donít know how to function as a human being. I was never taught simple things like how to love someone, or how to show my emotions, or how to cope with pain and sadness. So, I adapted and taught myself the best I knew. Except I was young and stupid and I didnít do a very good job. And now Iím stuck with these horrible coping mechanisms and personality traits and I donít know how to fix them.
I feel so uncomfortable in my own skin. Not just because of my body, but because I feel uncomfortable as a person. I think I fake it pretty well, but when someone gets to know me they see it and they hate it and they run.
Itís why I never let anyone in. Itís why Iíve never had a real relationship that isnít abusive. Itís why I hate myself and doubt every action and everything that comes out of my mouth.
Yesterday I was overcharged for a car wash and I was too scared to go in and complain and ask for a refund because they might think badly of me. I can't look people in the eyes because I'm ashamed of who I am. What the fuck is wrong with me?
Iím such a pushover. Iím such a doormat that when I finally feel comfortable around someone, and I know that they love me, I treat them like shit. I take out every single emotion on them. I yell, I treat them like shit, I abuse them like Iíve been abused.
Iím just like my father. And, I hate it.
So, I know that Iím not a good friend, and I know that Iím not worth this trouble, and I know that I am crazy. You donít need to stick around and take this abuse. You deserve to be happy and to be treated well. Iím sorry that Iím not a better person, and Iím sorry that youíve been through all this with me. Iím so lost in how sad and unhappy I am I fail to recognize the pain Iím causing you.
So, hereís your chance. I know itís whatís best for you, and I know youíve only stayed because of guilt, but you can go and I will understand. You can leave and I will be sad, but I will survive. I wonít be mad, I wonít hate you. I could never hate you; of all the people on this earth I love you the most. But, I realize I donít know how to love you the way you need, and Iím being selfish for wanting you around. You canít be expected to be my keeper, and I understand that. You have a new life now, and I have to accept that.
I will love you always. No matter what. Unconditionally. But, I know this is best for you, and I want more than anything for you to have a happy, long life.
I hope you believe that, because I donít know how else to show you how much I love you.
I'm so sorry.