12.18.06

2:31 a.m.

you don't deserve a christmas card

A few things have been getting me down lately, and I just canít shake them. It used to be that I could just vent and have someone listen and empathize and care and then Iíd feel better about things. But, I donít have anyone to do that with anymore and Iíve been obsessing about things and letting them really upset me. So, Iím going to vent to you. I apologize for the whining and randomness in advance.

My father called on Friday and left a message on my voice mail asking me to send another Christmas card with his girlfriendís name on it, too. Apparently, she got very upset because the Christmas card/thank you card I sent my father didnít include her name. Iíve had exactly two interactions with her and her family, and neither were positive in my opinion. First, she called me last November and it wasnít the most pleasant conversation in my opinion, second, her daughter called me to tell me my father was in the hospital.

Thatís it. Thatís the whole of our relationship.

Iím really mad at her. You couldnít bother calling me when my father was in the hospital, your fucking 14 year old daughter did and then she didnít even have any information about him, and you think you deserve a fucking Christmas card from me?! Iíve never gotten one from you, whereís my fucking Christmas card!? When I spoke with you last year, you jokingly said I needed to get a job Ė do you think thatís appropriate to say to someone youíve NEVER fucking spoke with, let alone met?! What kind of person MAKES someone send them a Christmas card?!

What makes you think you deserve a fucking Christmas card from me, the fact that youíre fucking my father?!

I donít know what to do because if I donít send another card my father will be hurt, but I really donít want to do something that I feel so strongly against.

I can honestly say I havenít been this upset or hateful since my surgery. I truly have changed in most regards, but sheís made me feel so angry and upset and it just makes me more upset because I feel this hateful again.

Also, the apartment I was longing for has been rented. It seems every time I get my hopes up for something Ė and actually mention it to other people Ė things fall through. If I just keep my mouth shut, things usually work out, or if they donít I donít have to explain to others why they didnít. It reminds me of a Regina Spektor song:

Donít tell your mother that you are afraid
Donít tell your lover that your heart might break
Donít tell your gods you no longer believe
Because as soon as you say it out loud they will leave you
And you will miss them oh so bad
And you will wait for their return
And you will wish they were your own
But gods that have left you will never grace your home

And, finallyÖIíve been sad about a tradition Iíve had with Sam that I've lost. I realize it was just a stupid little thing, but Iím afraid to check my own final grades and he would check them for me. Every semester since school has started he would log in to my account and tell me my grades. This has been my worst semester ever, and itís depressing to have to see my grades pop up on the screen without the buffer of Samís unconditional love and support to tell me itís ok and that heís still proud of me. I really do miss him a lot, and I miss the closeness that we used to share.

I guess Iím just in a sad mood today. I canít wait for the holidays to be over because itís not really a happy time of year for me.


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