12.18.06
2:31 a.m.
you don't deserve a christmas card
A few things have been getting me down lately, and I just can�t shake them. It used to be that I could just vent and have someone listen and empathize and care and then I�d feel better about things. But, I don�t have anyone to do that with anymore and I�ve been obsessing about things and letting them really upset me. So, I�m going to vent to you. I apologize for the whining and randomness in advance.My father called on Friday and left a message on my voice mail asking me to send another Christmas card with his girlfriend�s name on it, too. Apparently, she got very upset because the Christmas card/thank you card I sent my father didn�t include her name. I�ve had exactly two interactions with her and her family, and neither were positive in my opinion. First, she called me last November and it wasn�t the most pleasant conversation in my opinion, second, her daughter called me to tell me my father was in the hospital.
That�s it. That�s the whole of our relationship.
I�m really mad at her. You couldn�t bother calling me when my father was in the hospital, your fucking 14 year old daughter did and then she didn�t even have any information about him, and you think you deserve a fucking Christmas card from me?! I�ve never gotten one from you, where�s my fucking Christmas card!? When I spoke with you last year, you jokingly said I needed to get a job � do you think that�s appropriate to say to someone you�ve NEVER fucking spoke with, let alone met?! What kind of person MAKES someone send them a Christmas card?!
What makes you think you deserve a fucking Christmas card from me, the fact that you�re fucking my father?!
I don�t know what to do because if I don�t send another card my father will be hurt, but I really don�t want to do something that I feel so strongly against.
I can honestly say I haven�t been this upset or hateful since my surgery. I truly have changed in most regards, but she�s made me feel so angry and upset and it just makes me more upset because I feel this hateful again.
Also, the apartment I was longing for has been rented. It seems every time I get my hopes up for something � and actually mention it to other people � things fall through. If I just keep my mouth shut, things usually work out, or if they don�t I don�t have to explain to others why they didn�t. It reminds me of a Regina Spektor song:
Don�t tell your mother that you are afraid
Don�t tell your lover that your heart might break
Don�t tell your gods you no longer believe
Because as soon as you say it out loud they will leave you
And you will miss them oh so bad
And you will wait for their return
And you will wish they were your own
But gods that have left you will never grace your home
And, finally�I�ve been sad about a tradition I�ve had with Sam that I've lost. I realize it was just a stupid little thing, but I�m afraid to check my own final grades and he would check them for me. Every semester since school has started he would log in to my account and tell me my grades. This has been my worst semester ever, and it�s depressing to have to see my grades pop up on the screen without the buffer of Sam�s unconditional love and support to tell me it�s ok and that he�s still proud of me. I really do miss him a lot, and I miss the closeness that we used to share.
I guess I�m just in a sad mood today. I can�t wait for the holidays to be over because it�s not really a happy time of year for me.
