11.17.06
10:08 p.m.
retracted
But this - this open, honest, loving, supportive, amazingly comfortable friendship that has prevailed and flourished is so much better than anything we had before. It's the kind of friendship I've waited my entire life to have, and I think that everything that's happened, including the pain, has been worth it.
I know, now more than I've ever known, that I have someone that will understand and love me forever and nothing that happens in either of our lives will change that. I don't have to worry or pretend or manipulate him into loving me, because he just does and always will. This friendship will still be intact in 50 years when we both have our own families.
And that thought makes me smile.
I'm so very glad that he's my best friend and that we could get past this. It's been a pretty hard few months, but every minute and every tear and every fight has been worth it. This is completely different than what I had wished for, but it is a thousand times better than anything I ever thought I wanted.
You know, I don�t think I�m psychic by any means, but I knew something bad was coming. I�ve felt it for the past few days, and I even mentioned it on Tuesday night. I had this feel of dread, and this emptiness � but still painful � feeling inside.
And it has happened.
I said I�ve never felt as sad and empty and heartbroken as I did when Sam told me he was going on a date, or when my ovary was ripped out, but I think when I said those things I tempted fate. This, this is as empty and sad and heartbroken as I�ve ever felt, and I�m sure there�s worse, but please life, don�t send me any more right now, I can�t handle it.
I will miss him so much. I will think of him everyday and wish I could tell him the stupid things that make me laugh � like celebrity gossip, or toothpaste for dinner, or a softer world, or Vyna � and I won�t be able to. I won�t be able to tell him when I�m scared and lonely, or how I did on the exam I was worried about, or how much I love him and how proud I am of him, or anything.
He was my family, because I don�t really have a functional one. He was who I told my deepest secrets, and someone I thought would love me forever no matter what; someone I thought would always be there.
And then life throws me a curveball and he can�t be there for me anymore.
And I�ll be ok. I�ll get through this, and I�m not going to make him feel guilty about his decision, because in all honesty all I really want is for him to be happy. Still. After all of this, it�s still all I want. And if it means that I�m not in his life, then so be it.
I�ll always love him, he will always be the best friend I ever had, and he�ll be the only person that will ever know my deepest, darkest secrets.
I�m breaking it off with Mark. I know he�s not the one, and I can�t continue to pretend I might magically feel something different. I don�t want to hurt him. I can�t fathom making him feel the way I feel right now. It�s not fair to him, it�s not his fault. I�m going to talk to him tonight; I�m on my way to his house, now. He�s a very sweet person, and I do care for him, but I don�t feel that thing that I think you should feel when you�re with someone - that connection and understanding and love. Or maybe I�m just a romantic, and this is as good as it�ll ever get.
I�m just so confused.
I don�t think I�ll be posting much anymore. I feel this site has run its course. Maybe I�ll change my mind, maybe I won�t. I�m not sure, but right now I don�t feel like sharing anymore.
If you need me you can email me at [email protected] or the various other email addresses I use.
Bye for now.
