11.08.06

1:25 a.m.

a true epiphany

I donít know whatís happening to me.

When I look back on my life, I realize what a self-centered and selfish person Iíve been. Since the surgery, something has changed in me. I still feel empty, but something else has changed, too.

Itís like losing my ovary has made my body more maternal. I know that seems backwards, but itís the only way I can think to explain it. Maybe itís because Iíve come to terms with the fact that I might not be able to have children anymore. My body decided to kick me in the ass and tell me to wake up.

Or more likely itís just the fucked up hormone levels in my body.

Anyway, in the past 7 days, Iíve had nothing but time to think about my life, but itís been different then the nights Iíve spent holed up in my car. I think about the horrible things Iíve thought, and the negative things Iíve wished on people, and I cry. I cry all the time, even when Iím happy, or just explaining an everyday occurrence or watching Extreme Makeover or when some stupid game show contestant tells us about their family. When before the tears were self pity (and I admit, some still are) itís like these tears are for everyone Iíve hurt, and all the people I love that Iíve wronged.

I donít know how to explain it. Somehow, someway, I developed empathy and sympathy practically overnight.

I think about children all the time now. There are 2 boys down the street that talk to my mother. Theyíre nice young boys, but Iíve never talked to them or really cared about them before because they didnít directly affect me and how I felt. Saturday, they came over and told my mother that their mom had tried to commit suicide by drinking antifreeze, and the older boy found her lying unconscious when he came home from a friendís house. Their father got out of prison Friday, and now heís there taking care of them. Before I wouldnít have cared, and somehow reconciled it in my head so that I didnít feel anything.

I care now. I really care, and to be honest, I just want to help them. Itís not their fault. They are probably the nicest kids in this neighborhood and now theyíre going to suffer through no fault of their own and thereís nothing I can do about it.

I canít stop thinking about how sad it is for kids that are going through divorce, and how hard it was for me. I canít even imagine what it would be like if I was younger when it happened. I just want to hug them and tell them that itís not their fault.

I know these are probably just normal thoughts for everyone else, but I really was selfish before. I never saw it. I justified every negative and bad thing I thought about someone because I made myself out to be better than them in my head.

People who had bad things happen to them deserved it in my mind.

I think because I believe that I deserved every bad thing thatís ever happened to me.

I promised myself that when I get a good paying job, Iím going to donate as much as I can to scholarships for other people. There are so many people that helped me pay for college, and I just took it for granted; like I deserved it. Going to a luncheon was nothing more than an inconvenience to me, when I shouldíve been kissing their feet.

I just feel so bad for all the horrible things Iíve done, for all the horrible things Iíve thought, and for all the times I manipulated people.

Today, I told Sam a secret that Iíve kept for a long time, and Iíve felt so guilty about it Ė even before the surgery Ė but more so since. I canít believe that I would be so selfish and manipulative to someone that I love so much. And it kills me, because I do love him very much and he is my best friend and always will be. I was so worried about me and how things would affect me that I quit caring about him.

There are no words for how bad I feel and how I wish I could change so many things that Iíve done and so many thoughts that Iíve had.

Tonight as I talked to Sam about a problem he had, I honestly, truly, for the first time thought only about him and his feelings. I wasnít thinking about how his choices would affect me, or how his choices reflected his feelings for me, because they donít. Not everything is about me, and Iím 27 years old and just figured that out.

I cried, not because I was sad for me, but because he was hurting and I just wanted it to go away no matter what. No matter if it hurt me, or I didnít get what I wanted, or if he didnít choose me, because all I cared about was him.

I know I probably seem so stupid. These are probably things that everyoneís already figured out, but I havenít. I hide it well I guess. I hide the real me well.

Honestly, I know this has to do with hating myself, and how my self hatred was so bad that I could only think about me. But, I still donít love myself, so why am I changing like this now?

Youíd think I turned into a hippie. I donít know, maybe I did. I just donít want to hurt anymore. I donít want to hurt, and I donít want to hurt anyone else. This world is hard enough without hurting the people you love and care about. Or those that you donít even know for that matter.

Iíve been thinking a lot about Mark, too. But, Iím tired and sore and need to go lie down again to talk about it tonight.

Anyway, Iím sorry that this wonít make sense to anyone other than me. I just spewed it out and itís probably not even coherent. Forgive me.

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