11.03.06

11:53 p.m.

make it stop

I feel like shit today.

When I finally talked to my father after my surgery, he asked to meet for lunch today, and at first I declined because I knew Iíd be in serious pain. But, I decided this morning to call him and tell him Iíd meet him. Iím still really sore, but if I donít see him when heís available, Iíll never get to see him.

I should just be grateful for the time I have with him and cherish it. At least thatís what I think I should do, so I endured the pain and drove to meet him for lunch.

I talked to him less than three hours before we were supposed to meet, and he never showed up. When I called his cell Ė several hundred times Ė he didnít answer.

You know, I expect this. I know heís like this, and I know Iím not important to him and Iím just a reminder of a life he wishes he could leave behind, but I still hold out hope every fucking time that itíll magically change. That today will be the day that he realizes he loves me, and he wants to spend time with me, and that heís proud of me.

He did tell me once he was proud of me for getting good grades and scholarships to pay for school. I rushed back home so I could tell Sam, and then I proceeded to cry for over an hour because he was finally proud of me. He finally told me he was proud and itís what I was waiting to hear for 26 years.

Anyway, he called an hour after I had left the restaurant and said he lost track of time and lunch had slipped his mind. I donít know why I keep hoping heíll change.

It still hurts really badly to sit up for longer than a few minutes, so I suppose it was for the best that he didnít show. The 40 minutes waiting in the car werenít as bad as I thought theyíd be because I was reclined.

My shoulder really hurt yesterday, but Iím not sure why; probably from lying in bed all day. Iím so sick of my bed, but it hurts to be anywhere else. We donít have a couch, and even if we did I donít leave my room when my mother is awake anyway. Iím on Markís couch now, and itís pretty comfortable.

When will the pain go away? Itís only been two days, but Iím still in a lot of pain. Sometimes it still feels like my ovary is there all twisty and painful in my tummy.

Then I realize itís not there anymore and I have this heavy feeling in my heart and I feel so empty. Itís worse than how brokenhearted I felt when Sam told me he was going on a date I realized I had lost him. But, it feels like that Ė just worse Ė and thatís saying a lot because that hurt more than anything Iíve felt before.

My ovary broke my heart, and I feel empty and lost and unwanted. When will this go away?

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