11.03.06
11:53 p.m.
make it stop
I feel like shit today.When I finally talked to my father after my surgery, he asked to meet for lunch today, and at first I declined because I knew I�d be in serious pain. But, I decided this morning to call him and tell him I�d meet him. I�m still really sore, but if I don�t see him when he�s available, I�ll never get to see him.
I should just be grateful for the time I have with him and cherish it. At least that�s what I think I should do, so I endured the pain and drove to meet him for lunch.
I talked to him less than three hours before we were supposed to meet, and he never showed up. When I called his cell � several hundred times � he didn�t answer.
You know, I expect this. I know he�s like this, and I know I�m not important to him and I�m just a reminder of a life he wishes he could leave behind, but I still hold out hope every fucking time that it�ll magically change. That today will be the day that he realizes he loves me, and he wants to spend time with me, and that he�s proud of me.
He did tell me once he was proud of me for getting good grades and scholarships to pay for school. I rushed back home so I could tell Sam, and then I proceeded to cry for over an hour because he was finally proud of me. He finally told me he was proud and it�s what I was waiting to hear for 26 years.
Anyway, he called an hour after I had left the restaurant and said he lost track of time and lunch had slipped his mind. I don�t know why I keep hoping he�ll change.
It still hurts really badly to sit up for longer than a few minutes, so I suppose it was for the best that he didn�t show. The 40 minutes waiting in the car weren�t as bad as I thought they�d be because I was reclined.
My shoulder really hurt yesterday, but I�m not sure why; probably from lying in bed all day. I�m so sick of my bed, but it hurts to be anywhere else. We don�t have a couch, and even if we did I don�t leave my room when my mother is awake anyway. I�m on Mark�s couch now, and it�s pretty comfortable.
When will the pain go away? It�s only been two days, but I�m still in a lot of pain. Sometimes it still feels like my ovary is there all twisty and painful in my tummy.
Then I realize it�s not there anymore and I have this heavy feeling in my heart and I feel so empty. It�s worse than how brokenhearted I felt when Sam told me he was going on a date I realized I had lost him. But, it feels like that � just worse � and that�s saying a lot because that hurt more than anything I�ve felt before.
My ovary broke my heart, and I feel empty and lost and unwanted. When will this go away?
