libraryI'm writing this from the library. For the past two nights I've been sleeping in my car. My mother kicked me out again.
It's nothing new, it's happened before. I think the last time was a few months ago. It will pass soon.
Anyway, I've had nothing but time to think because it's been cold at night and I haven't slept. Besides, there really isn't much to do in a car at night when your radio only plays one FM channel (which unfortunately happens to be country) or 3 AM channels.
I've heard more songs about heartbreak than I can handle.
In all those hours, I think I've finally decided that I am truly alone in this world and I can't depend on anyone to be there for me. I have to do this alone because when I put my faith and trust in others I'm just let down.
I give so much to everyone I know. I try so hard to make sure they're happy and taken care of and placated, but I just feel slighted in return. Jackie takes and takes and takes, but when I try to talk about me she changes the subject. I would cut my left leg off for someone if it would help them, but they can't be bothered to just listen and love when I need it. The minute it becomes uncomfortable to them, they leave.
I've put my self worth in how much other people care about me, and when you're sitting alone in a car at 3:00am you realize that you're at rock bottom.
I can honestly say everything I've felt for Sam romantically is gone. Why would I want to be with someone that doesn't want me? Why am I putting myself through this torture for someone that doesn't even want me?
Jackie and my relationship is going to end, too. I can't continue to surround myself with people that don't think I'm a priority. At least a little bit of one.
I just feel miserably alone, and the only one that can change it is me. I'm sick of clinging to people that don't want me. I'm sick of picking the most completely unavailable people and then being hurt when - surprise - they aren't there.
Maybe in the future we can be friends, but I think what we had is dead.
I still miss him.
And, now I'm crying in the library, so I'm going to go.