10.10.06

9:40 p.m.

r.i.p. Teddy

My entire life I�ve clung to things I love for fear they�d leave me.

When I was five my mother bought me a hamster. I was so absolutely ecstatic to have something to love and hold that I carried him with me everywhere I went. He sat in my pocket as I watched TV and I�d carry him outside so he could get fresh air. I remember the day that I loved him so much, and held him so tight, that he died in my little 5 year old hand. I hadn�t even had him a week.

My relationships haven�t fared much better than little Teddy. I�ve smothered every single man I�ve ever dated. I�ve killed every single relationship.

With Joe, if we fought, I would get hit. There was no doubt in my mind that if we began fighting I�d end up with at least one bruise, but I would beg him to stay. I would literally get on the floor and beg him to stay. He would stay long enough to beat me and tell me I was worthless, and then he�d be out the door only to stumble back to my house after the bars had closed.

With Jeremy, we would fight and he would leave. He would scream the most hurtful, hateful things to me as he was throwing something at me and slamming the door behind him. He�d then cut off all contact with me for days, sometimes weeks at a time. One night he left and I never heard from him again.

I�m so afraid that things I love are going to leave and never come back that I�d rather they hate me, scream at me, resent me, or die than leave me.

I know that it�s because I hate myself. I know that I�m so ashamed of me that I can�t possibly fathom someone loving me enough to not abandon me if they�re mad; to not give up on me completely.

How can I expect that if I gave up on me a long time ago?

I love Sam very much. More than I think I have ever loved anyone. Much more than I�ve ever loved myself. He�s shown me true unconditional love. We have fought, and I have clung, and he�s left � but he always comes back.

Every time.

He�s never hurt me; he�s only loved me. But still, I cling and I worry that this time will be the time he doesn�t come back. I�m killing me, I�m killing him, and I�m killing us.

This is the most important friendship I�ve ever had, and the most important relationship of my life. I never want to lose the closeness and unconditional love and acceptance that we have, but I just keep pushing. I just keep clinging.

Today I had an epiphany while sitting in class. I can�t do this to him. I love him so much that I can�t hurt him like this. I can�t make him feel guilty, or sad, or angry because I�m so absolutely insecure. I can�t lose the best friendship I�ve ever had because I�m jealous and clinging.

I truly want him to be happy.

And, to be honest, I want to be happy, too. But there is no way that I can be happy unless I fix myself. I can�t expect Sam to love me if I don�t even love me. I think we're both so completely co-dependent that it's allowed the clinging to go on this long.

So, I�m going to focus on me. I�m going to make me better, then I can worry about being with Sam. I can�t truly love him like this, I just cling in the hope that his love will fix me. That�s not a relationship and he deserves better than that.

Maybe in the future I�ll have another chance with Sam, but I�ve ruined this one. So, I�m going to work on me and make sure I love me before I try to have him, or anyone, love me.

I love him more than anything else in this world and there is nothing that I would like better than to hold on to him forever. But I know it's not for the best. So no matter how much my heart is going to break, I've got to let him go so he can know just how much I love him. If I'm lucky, he'll come back, but if not, I can make it through this.

Me
Me clinging to the kitty as if it's one of my relationships.

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