10.10.06

9:40 p.m.

r.i.p. Teddy

My entire life Iíve clung to things I love for fear theyíd leave me.

When I was five my mother bought me a hamster. I was so absolutely ecstatic to have something to love and hold that I carried him with me everywhere I went. He sat in my pocket as I watched TV and Iíd carry him outside so he could get fresh air. I remember the day that I loved him so much, and held him so tight, that he died in my little 5 year old hand. I hadnít even had him a week.

My relationships havenít fared much better than little Teddy. Iíve smothered every single man Iíve ever dated. Iíve killed every single relationship.

With Joe, if we fought, I would get hit. There was no doubt in my mind that if we began fighting Iíd end up with at least one bruise, but I would beg him to stay. I would literally get on the floor and beg him to stay. He would stay long enough to beat me and tell me I was worthless, and then heíd be out the door only to stumble back to my house after the bars had closed.

With Jeremy, we would fight and he would leave. He would scream the most hurtful, hateful things to me as he was throwing something at me and slamming the door behind him. Heíd then cut off all contact with me for days, sometimes weeks at a time. One night he left and I never heard from him again.

Iím so afraid that things I love are going to leave and never come back that Iíd rather they hate me, scream at me, resent me, or die than leave me.

I know that itís because I hate myself. I know that Iím so ashamed of me that I canít possibly fathom someone loving me enough to not abandon me if theyíre mad; to not give up on me completely.

How can I expect that if I gave up on me a long time ago?

I love Sam very much. More than I think I have ever loved anyone. Much more than Iíve ever loved myself. Heís shown me true unconditional love. We have fought, and I have clung, and heís left Ė but he always comes back.

Every time.

Heís never hurt me; heís only loved me. But still, I cling and I worry that this time will be the time he doesnít come back. Iím killing me, Iím killing him, and Iím killing us.

This is the most important friendship Iíve ever had, and the most important relationship of my life. I never want to lose the closeness and unconditional love and acceptance that we have, but I just keep pushing. I just keep clinging.

Today I had an epiphany while sitting in class. I canít do this to him. I love him so much that I canít hurt him like this. I canít make him feel guilty, or sad, or angry because Iím so absolutely insecure. I canít lose the best friendship Iíve ever had because Iím jealous and clinging.

I truly want him to be happy.

And, to be honest, I want to be happy, too. But there is no way that I can be happy unless I fix myself. I canít expect Sam to love me if I donít even love me. I think we're both so completely co-dependent that it's allowed the clinging to go on this long.

So, Iím going to focus on me. Iím going to make me better, then I can worry about being with Sam. I canít truly love him like this, I just cling in the hope that his love will fix me. Thatís not a relationship and he deserves better than that.

Maybe in the future Iíll have another chance with Sam, but Iíve ruined this one. So, Iím going to work on me and make sure I love me before I try to have him, or anyone, love me.

I love him more than anything else in this world and there is nothing that I would like better than to hold on to him forever. But I know it's not for the best. So no matter how much my heart is going to break, I've got to let him go so he can know just how much I love him. If I'm lucky, he'll come back, but if not, I can make it through this.

Me
Me clinging to the kitty as if it's one of my relationships.

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