Happy Canadian ThanksgivingI woke up at 4:00am yesterday with a whopping hour and a half sleep. I arrived at the volunteer tent five minutes after six. There wasnít a soul on the interstate, and it felt as if I was the only person left on earth. There are no streetlights most of the journey from here to Denver, and the glow of the moon made it eerily peaceful. It was nice, and I wish Iíd be more inclined to wake up pre-dawn and roam around the state.
The race was uneventful, and I only did the 1k family run because I was volunteering through the other two (convenient?). I arrived back home around 10:30am and went straight to bed. After less than two hours my neighborís car alarm awoke me, but itís ok because I was having a nightmare.
Iíve been having a lot of nightmares lately. Theyíre weird nightmares, too. But, theyíre not weird in the freaky shit happening pink elephants attacking calico pandas kind of way. They arenít my nightmares; theyíre nightmares of my best friend (who will now, and in the future, be called Sam). Theyíre horrible things that would happen to him in his life and devastate him, and Iím just some invisible observer in them. I feel the pain heís going through, but I canít do anything, and nothing ever affects me personally in the dreams. Iím not even in the dreams to interact with Ė itís just people he knows. Itís like Iím just a fly on the wall of his life when horrible things are happening and itís disturbing me immensely. I want it to end.
I canít continue to obsess and spend all my time and energy thinking about someone who isnít thinking about me anymore. Iíve tried to think of things that I donít like about him, or that annoy me, or at the very least something not good about him, and I canít. I think of the most trivial things, and then I just get more upset because thatís all I can think about? Trivial stupid shit?! The only big thing Iíve come up with is that heís not here anymore and really that doesnít count. The way this whole situation was handled Ė by both of us Ė is such shit. I was jealous and vengeful and said mean things, and heís withdrawn and unresponsive and unavailable.
I canít reconcile in my mind how I can be so sad and lonely, and he can just continue with his life without looking back. I feel kinda worthless, and that makes me mad. Mad at myself for letting someone make me feel this way. I donít think itís intentional. No, I know heís not intentionally doing this. He wouldnít do this on purpose, I know that.
Itís just that I go out with Mark and the others and all I think about is him, and I canít help but wonder if he ever thinks about me when heís with her. Or, at fleeting times through out the day. Or at night. Or in his dreams. And if he does, does it make him feel as empty as it does me?
I wish someone would tell me how to make it stop. I'm sure in time it will; I want the time to be gone.
This afternoon is the first class since I passed out last week, and Iím not going to go. I donít feel like facing everyone or the stares and having everyone ask how I am. Iím just not up for it yet.
I got the results of my chemistry midterm today. I got a 65% and I donít really care.
Anyway, thanks for all your emails about yesterdayís post and comments. They made me feel a bit better and not so hopeless.
Happy Thanksgiving, Canadians.