10.07.06

1:16 a.m.

dates are overrated

megmarch has made my day, my week, my month, and my year. I got a lovely package with very lovely gifts that I will show you all another night. Youíll LOVE them, too. It made me smile, and I really needed that.

In other news, I got waxed today. The only hair left on my body is on the top of my head, and very little on my brows. Getting waxed hurts like hell, but it makes me feel much better. Iím so silky smooooth now, and itís wonderful.

There are several people that have three of the same classes as I do, and we decided to go out for dinner and drinks, tonight. Iíve been nervous and stressed about it, and was on the verge of cancelling but I decided to go. I canít live my life waiting for something thatís never going to come.

I met them at a local bar/restaurant, and started the evening with a margarita. I hadnít eaten inÖ.days, and liquor and empty Julie tummy doesnít make for a good mixture. I was tipsy before I was even halfway through the first drink, and Mark ordered me another before I had time to even think about saying no.

Mark and I talked, and the only thing that kept going through my mind was yesterdayís post. He seemed kind and sweet and it was obvious he liked me, but I know itís not me he liked. He liked who I was pretending to be. And, Iím pretty sure he was a better version of himself, too.

I just donít want to think about it, and I donít want to spend the energy wading through who people really are, all the while hiding myself in the process. I think I need to make me happy before I even try to be the person Iím pretending to be. Then, maybe I will actually become the person Iím pretending to be.

And the fact that he tried to be smooth and kiss me didnít go over well, either. He was a gentleman, but Iím just so not in the mind frame to want to date anyone.

Iíve been avoiding it for more than two years now. I've used excuse after excuse not to go out with anyone, and in my little delusional mind, my best friend was my future anyhow. I reconciled it in my head that way on more than one occasion, after awhile it just became my reality.

Anyway, after this week I thought I was supposed to date. I thought it was what I had to do, but I don't and Iím going to continue to avoid it until Iím happier with me. Though maybe I should get on it, because my clock is ticking and with every birthday Iím becoming less and less desirable to the desirable men. Iíll be like megg (not to be confused with megmarch who is happily married) and have to date anything with a pulse just so I wonít die alone with my 18 cats and 18 dogs who will have to eat my cadaver for nutrition.

Anyway, I think the SAM-e is doing something because my brain isnít working the same way it was before. Now, itís yet to be seen if itís just numbing me and making me not care anymore, or making me better. Time will tell.

Eventually, theyíll be a better version of me.

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