10.07.06

8:15 p.m.

now void free

I have to wake up at 4:00am to get to Denver in time for the Race for the Cure. Iíve volunteered to be there at 6:00am to hand out back signs. Why? What the hell was I thinking?

Anyway, I was going to go to sleep early tonight, but Iíve decided to go out instead. I was invited to go out again last night, and agreed to if I could make my schedule work. In other words, I just needed time to think about it.

After last nightís entry, I had decided not to go out. I do need to work on me, and I donít want a relationship. But Iíve been thinking about it today and here are my thoughts:

I know Iíve never really went into many details about my best friend, nor our relationship. We spoke everyday for hours upon hours; I canít remember more than a few days in the past two years where we didnít talk at least once. He would sing Sufjan to me on the phone, tell me stories about his day, and read me books. Even the things I did alone werenít really alone. He was always there with me helping me get through everything, and there is no way that I could've driven across the country without his calls. It is the most honest, unconditionally loving, open relationship I've ever had.

And now thereís just this empty void in my life and I canít spend it sitting in my room surrounded by everything that reminds me of him. Iíve taken down the Sufjan poster he bought for me; I canít listen to him yet without thinking of my best friend anyway. The stuffed panda, I took on my trip to DC (which was to visit the panda that he adopted for me) and that Iíve slept with every night is in the back of my closet along with a buffalo named Myron. I donít even visit the panda cams much anymore.

I know there is no chance that we will ever be anything other than friends, and Iím ok with that. Iíve adjusted to that in my head, and I no longer hold hope that it will happen. But, Iím still getting used to not having my best friend around all the time. Itís a big change, and Iím still adjusting. Iím not angry or upset at all, he needs to live his life for him, not me. He needs to be happy with his choices, and who he spends his time with, and right now itís not with me. Iím ok with that, really I am. Itís not like I expect him to speak with me 20 hours a day when heís married with 2.5 children. But, it doesnít make it any easier when thereís silence where there used to be sound, or emptiness when I used to feel so full.

He's moved on. I need to, too.

I just need to adjust. I think Iím doing a pretty good job so far, though it may not seem like it when I reread these entries.

I will eventually be able to put my Sufjan poster up again, and sleep with my stuffed panda, and have nothing but fond memories of everything weíve shared. But right now Iím still a little raw and the only salve I know is to try to fill the void. So, Iím going out again tonight. Iím waxed and primped and ready, though Iím not even sure what Iím looking for. Maybe itís ok to be someone else for a few days; Mark doesnít need to know Iím not in this for the long run.

Though, then that makes me a bitch. Right? I donít know anymore.
Anyway, Iíve been listening to Rosie Thomas (who ironically is releasing an album with Sufjan), and she is amazingly talented. I thought Iíd share a few songs. Just FYI sheís about as bare bones as you can get without being a capella, so if you donít like that you should probably skip it.

Warning: Song lyrics follow. Iím such a girl. Letís listen to songs about broken hearts and bad relationships and rebuilding because Iím sad! YAY!

Finish Line

Go now
Go while you can
From the love thatís brought you down
Things will soon come around I swear
And theyíll be sorry they let you down
Go now
Go while you can
From the life thatís brought you down
Things will soon come around I swear
And youíll have it all figured out
Never really worry for a bit
Sometimes it feels worse then it really is
You may always be changing your mind
Just push hard for the finish line
Never really worry for a bit
Sometimes it feels worse then it really is

Farewell
Farewell so long
I was wrong I guess
Farewell so long cause
I was wrong I confess

I miss the way you
I miss the way you dance with me
I miss the way you
I miss the way you dance with me

So farewell my love
I was wrong I guess
Farewell so long cause
I was wrong I confess

I miss the way
I miss the way you sing with me
I miss the way
I miss the way you sing with me

I never asked you for a sailboat in the yard
That fancy dress to wear
Or a ceiling made of stars
And all I got was just this
Broken heart from you


But even more pathetic than wallowing in sad songs? Iíd still drop everything in an instant if he needed me.

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