10.07.06
8:15 p.m.
now void free
I have to wake up at 4:00am to get to Denver in time for the Race for the Cure. I�ve volunteered to be there at 6:00am to hand out back signs. Why? What the hell was I thinking?Anyway, I was going to go to sleep early tonight, but I�ve decided to go out instead. I was invited to go out again last night, and agreed to if I could make my schedule work. In other words, I just needed time to think about it.
After last night�s entry, I had decided not to go out. I do need to work on me, and I don�t want a relationship. But I�ve been thinking about it today and here are my thoughts:
I know I�ve never really went into many details about my best friend, nor our relationship. We spoke everyday for hours upon hours; I can�t remember more than a few days in the past two years where we didn�t talk at least once. He would sing Sufjan to me on the phone, tell me stories about his day, and read me books. Even the things I did alone weren�t really alone. He was always there with me helping me get through everything, and there is no way that I could've driven across the country without his calls. It is the most honest, unconditionally loving, open relationship I've ever had.
And now there�s just this empty void in my life and I can�t spend it sitting in my room surrounded by everything that reminds me of him. I�ve taken down the Sufjan poster he bought for me; I can�t listen to him yet without thinking of my best friend anyway. The stuffed panda, I took on my trip to DC (which was to visit the panda that he adopted for me) and that I�ve slept with every night is in the back of my closet along with a buffalo named Myron. I don�t even visit the panda cams much anymore.
I know there is no chance that we will ever be anything other than friends, and I�m ok with that. I�ve adjusted to that in my head, and I no longer hold hope that it will happen. But, I�m still getting used to not having my best friend around all the time. It�s a big change, and I�m still adjusting. I�m not angry or upset at all, he needs to live his life for him, not me. He needs to be happy with his choices, and who he spends his time with, and right now it�s not with me. I�m ok with that, really I am. It�s not like I expect him to speak with me 20 hours a day when he�s married with 2.5 children. But, it doesn�t make it any easier when there�s silence where there used to be sound, or emptiness when I used to feel so full.
He's moved on. I need to, too.
I just need to adjust. I think I�m doing a pretty good job so far, though it may not seem like it when I reread these entries.
I will eventually be able to put my Sufjan poster up again, and sleep with my stuffed panda, and have nothing but fond memories of everything we�ve shared. But right now I�m still a little raw and the only salve I know is to try to fill the void. So, I�m going out again tonight. I�m waxed and primped and ready, though I�m not even sure what I�m looking for. Maybe it�s ok to be someone else for a few days; Mark doesn�t need to know I�m not in this for the long run.
Though, then that makes me a bitch. Right? I don�t know anymore.
Anyway, I�ve been listening to Rosie Thomas (who ironically is releasing an album with Sufjan), and she is amazingly talented. I thought I�d share a few songs. Just FYI she�s about as bare bones as you can get without being a capella, so if you don�t like that you should probably skip it.
Warning: Song lyrics follow. I�m such a girl. Let�s listen to songs about broken hearts and bad relationships and rebuilding because I�m sad! YAY!
Finish Line
Go now
Go while you can
From the love that�s brought you down
Things will soon come around I swear
And they�ll be sorry they let you down
Go now
Go while you can
From the life that�s brought you down
Things will soon come around I swear
And you�ll have it all figured out
Never really worry for a bit
Sometimes it feels worse then it really is
You may always be changing your mind
Just push hard for the finish line
Never really worry for a bit
Sometimes it feels worse then it really isFarewell
Farewell so long
I was wrong I guess
Farewell so long cause
I was wrong I confessI miss the way you
I miss the way you dance with me
I miss the way you
I miss the way you dance with meSo farewell my love
I was wrong I guess
Farewell so long cause
I was wrong I confessI miss the way
I miss the way you sing with me
I miss the way
I miss the way you sing with meI never asked you for a sailboat in the yard
That fancy dress to wear
Or a ceiling made of stars
And all I got was just this
Broken heart from you
But even more pathetic than wallowing in sad songs? I�d still drop everything in an instant if he needed me.
