10.06.06
1:30 a.m.
I'm a big, fat fake but I'm trying to change
These colors don't look real to me, but I didn't change them at all. I think it's a bit alien.
Anyway, I�m feeling better. I had a headache, but it�s gone now and I�m back to normal.
I went through my files today. I stumbled on the first emails that my best friend and I sent each other when we met. I�m a masochist I suppose. However, it was nice to read through them again. They were flirty and they made my heart flutter just like they did years ago when I first read them. I anticipated his emails so much that I checked for them a thousand times a day. Also, I was a much better writer then. My emails flowed so nicely and sounded much more intelligent then my choppy sentences of late.
I miss that feeling � the beginning of a new relationship, be it romantic or not. You get to be a new person, reinvent yourself and wash away all the prejudices that people you�ve known for years have about you.
You get to be you, but better � you get to be the you that you wish you were. Or the you that you wish others thought you were.
I�m anything but what people think I am when they first meet me. In those first emails I was smart and well composed, flattering and witty, alluring and independent. Sometimes, I was just downright sexy.(!)
But, as you know I�m none of those things. At least not once you get to know me like you all do. I�m insecure and nervous, belittling and condescending, depressed and co-dependent, whiny and self-absorbed. God knows I�m never sexy these days.
I guess we're programmed to do that. I mean, what am I supposed to say? "Hi, I'm Julie. I've been in seriously fucked up relationships, and though I say I'm over them I'm not; I still feel like someone will beat the shit out of me if I do something wrong. My daddy never loved me enough, so I have serious issues with wanting someone to be a father figure, take care of me and coddle me. I have a serious eating disorder and basically hate myself, but I need you to love me so I feel whole. I'll pretend I'm ok to lure you in, then everything will slowly be revealed after it's too late to make a clean break. I'll smother you with questions and constantly obsess over the dumbest things like why you wrote 'aw' instead of 'awwwwww'. Was that supposed to be a sarcastic 'aw'? I'm an engineer and I'm the typical stereotype of one. I'm anal, condescending and I think I'm better than everyone. I'm smart, but I'll pretend I'm not so I don't look like a pompous ass. Oh, and I'll tell you anything I think you want to hear to make you happy and want me - I want you to think I'm normal after all."
It�s all so fake. I don�t think I�m up for the challenge of doing it again. It�s depressing to read those emails. I seemed so happy, but it was all a big fat lie.
I guess I don�t really even know who I am. I�m a different �me� for every set of friends I�ve ever had.
� The people at work think I�m this pulled together, kind, compassionate reliable person. They actually believe I enjoy working with the public.
� The people at school think I�m a fucking flake for passing out.
� Acquaintances think I�m this fun loving girl who�s always happy and willing to help out with anything.
� Jackie knows me a bit better than most, but she still doesn�t know much. She doesn�t even bother to ask about me most days, so I suppose to her I�m just a good listener.
� My family thinks I�m the biggest cunt alive.
And, I play into every stereotype they have of me. That�s why I keep my life so compartmentalized. If everyone I knew got into a room together they�d think they were talking about 18 different Julie�s.
I think the only one that truly knows me, in a scary �My God, why have I let him know everything?!� kind of way is my best friend. It�s this vulnerability that I don�t really care for; it�s this feeling deep in my stomach that is just waiting for rejection every second, and in an attempt to preempt it, I cling to him in the hope that he won�t reject me. Because that would mean he�d be rejecting me � the very deepest part of me, the very essence of who I am.
I think I need to get over the idea that everyone must like me, and everyone must love me. I�m the type of person that can hate someone - find out they don�t like me much, either � and then try to win them over. I am that afraid of rejection. But at least I know this and try to portray someone who isn�t clingy and insecure; at least I put up a good independent front most of the time. I'm a good faker.
In fact, I�m the perfect catch - until you actually get to know me.
