10.06.06

1:30 a.m.

I'm a big, fat fake but I'm trying to change

These colors don't look real to me, but I didn't change them at all. I think it's a bit alien.

flower

Anyway, Iím feeling better. I had a headache, but itís gone now and Iím back to normal.

I went through my files today. I stumbled on the first emails that my best friend and I sent each other when we met. Iím a masochist I suppose. However, it was nice to read through them again. They were flirty and they made my heart flutter just like they did years ago when I first read them. I anticipated his emails so much that I checked for them a thousand times a day. Also, I was a much better writer then. My emails flowed so nicely and sounded much more intelligent then my choppy sentences of late.

I miss that feeling Ė the beginning of a new relationship, be it romantic or not. You get to be a new person, reinvent yourself and wash away all the prejudices that people youíve known for years have about you.

You get to be you, but better Ė you get to be the you that you wish you were. Or the you that you wish others thought you were.

Iím anything but what people think I am when they first meet me. In those first emails I was smart and well composed, flattering and witty, alluring and independent. Sometimes, I was just downright sexy.(!)

But, as you know Iím none of those things. At least not once you get to know me like you all do. Iím insecure and nervous, belittling and condescending, depressed and co-dependent, whiny and self-absorbed. God knows Iím never sexy these days.

I guess we're programmed to do that. I mean, what am I supposed to say? "Hi, I'm Julie. I've been in seriously fucked up relationships, and though I say I'm over them I'm not; I still feel like someone will beat the shit out of me if I do something wrong. My daddy never loved me enough, so I have serious issues with wanting someone to be a father figure, take care of me and coddle me. I have a serious eating disorder and basically hate myself, but I need you to love me so I feel whole. I'll pretend I'm ok to lure you in, then everything will slowly be revealed after it's too late to make a clean break. I'll smother you with questions and constantly obsess over the dumbest things like why you wrote 'aw' instead of 'awwwwww'. Was that supposed to be a sarcastic 'aw'? I'm an engineer and I'm the typical stereotype of one. I'm anal, condescending and I think I'm better than everyone. I'm smart, but I'll pretend I'm not so I don't look like a pompous ass. Oh, and I'll tell you anything I think you want to hear to make you happy and want me - I want you to think I'm normal after all."

Itís all so fake. I donít think Iím up for the challenge of doing it again. Itís depressing to read those emails. I seemed so happy, but it was all a big fat lie.

I guess I donít really even know who I am. Iím a different Ďmeí for every set of friends Iíve ever had.

ē The people at work think Iím this pulled together, kind, compassionate reliable person. They actually believe I enjoy working with the public.

ē The people at school think Iím a fucking flake for passing out.

ē Acquaintances think Iím this fun loving girl whoís always happy and willing to help out with anything.

ē Jackie knows me a bit better than most, but she still doesnít know much. She doesnít even bother to ask about me most days, so I suppose to her Iím just a good listener.

ē My family thinks Iím the biggest cunt alive.

And, I play into every stereotype they have of me. Thatís why I keep my life so compartmentalized. If everyone I knew got into a room together theyíd think they were talking about 18 different Julieís.

I think the only one that truly knows me, in a scary ďMy God, why have I let him know everything?!Ē kind of way is my best friend. Itís this vulnerability that I donít really care for; itís this feeling deep in my stomach that is just waiting for rejection every second, and in an attempt to preempt it, I cling to him in the hope that he wonít reject me. Because that would mean heíd be rejecting me Ė the very deepest part of me, the very essence of who I am.

I think I need to get over the idea that everyone must like me, and everyone must love me. Iím the type of person that can hate someone - find out they donít like me much, either Ė and then try to win them over. I am that afraid of rejection. But at least I know this and try to portray someone who isnít clingy and insecure; at least I put up a good independent front most of the time. I'm a good faker.

In fact, Iím the perfect catch - until you actually get to know me.

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