fade awayI've been having a pretty hard time lately.
With life. With food. With everything.
I feel really unwanted and unloved right now.
I find myself hating others because they're happy; because they have what they want and I have nothing of what I want.
I took a drive to the mountains today, and as I drove I realized that I haven't had a father for over 10 years, and I'm still that stupid 15 year old girl who just wants her father to love her.
And I have been penciled in for a one hour lunch once a month for 12 years.
And yes, there are people without a father, and I should be happy that mine is alive and well, but I just feel...unwanted.
My father has made it clear he doesn't like children, and I don't find it such a big stretch to say he doesn't really like me. I'm just another thing that ties him to a past he'd rather forget.
And everytime I think of him, all I see in my head it that picture of him with his new family and how - forgotten - I feel.
And, I can't even think of him without crying. Without feeling that my life is paused in 1995 and I haven't really matured much since then. At least not emotionally.
And with every passing year, I long for the past even more. I drive by my old house all the time just see it. I went to a lake today that I haven't been to since I was twelve. I can't get over this divorce and it's been years. I'm supposed to be an adult, but I still feel like a child.
The one person I need right now; the one person I talk to everyday, has abandonded me, and I don't know why. I feel so lost and unwanted and unloved.
I just want to curl up and slowly fade away.