07.01.06

2:35 a.m.

awake is the new sleep

Hereís a letter I wrote to one of my loveliest friends. It pretty much sums it up.

Iím not dying. At least not yet. The doctor walked in and this is the first thing that came out of her mouth, "Well, you're a victim of really bad genes."

Um, thanks. Makes me feel better.

So, I'm anemic, hypoglycemic, have high cholesterol, high blood pressure and an elevated BUN/CREA level.

Yay for me.

My kidneys are starting to fail. YAY!

I have diseases only fat people have. YAY!

But, I'm malnourished in the iron department. YAY!

So now I'm on a whole bunch of medications that are treating the symptoms, not the problem.

I guess the problem solving is up to me. I have to quit this purging shit. Who knew it would make me this fucked up?

Have a happy birthday! MUAH!

me

So, thatís about it. I pretty much suspected the anemia. The high triglycerides threw me for a loop, I really didnít expect that. Though my motherís were so high at one point she had cholesterol bumps, or xanthomas, which were white bumps of cholesterol coming out of her skin it was so high. Yeah, gross. Odds were eventually Iíd have high triglycerides, too.

No bumps though. Phew.

Also, my good cholesterol level was great. She said that was a sign it was inherited and not poor diet. Stupid doctor.

Iíve had high blood pressure both times Iíve been to the doctor. Hello, Iím not fond of people, waiting rooms, doctors or scales. Of course my blood pressure is high when Iím there. This time it was higher than lastÖum, I thought I was dying. Should I be calm? Anyway, I can tell sheís a prescriber so because of my family history and my high triglycerides she wanted to put me on blood pressure pills.

YAY! Now, Iím taking the same medications as an obese 60 year-old.

My kidney levels (BUN/CREA) were elevated, but she didnít really discuss why. I guess she wasnít that concerned. I have no medicine for that, and I donít know what caused it. Well, I do. But, you knowÖIím not sure why...whatever. Nevermind.

My father has hypoglycemia, but I really didnít expect that Iíd have it, too. I donít get shaky before meals, and if I skip a meal I actually feel better. When I fast I feel amazing. But then I looked at other symptoms and it seems I have quite a few. My grandmother had insulin dependent type 1 diabetes, which I thought I couldnít justÖget. I donít know, Iím confused about the whole diabetes thing because there are both types in my family. Maybe I should research that more.

You know how some people have that Ďah-ha!í moment, and suddenly they want to change their lives? Yeah, I didnít really have that, and I donít know why. Maybe Iím still in shock that at 26 I have medical issues that warrant medication. A lot of medications. Seven to be exact.

Damn it, now Iím going to need one of those pill carrier things that old people haul around and pop out at dinner time.

I hate medication.

I came home from the clinic upset, angry, and scared. I lashed out at my mother and blamed her. But, I know itís not her fault, she didnít want her genes either.

I suppose Iím still in denial. I donít know.

I do know that next week Iím going to have a very long time alone to think about it, and my life in general. I want that ah-ha! moment. I want to come home with a completely new view on life.

This is going to be my road tripís theme song. Silly, but upbeat, happy and encouraging.

I want to be better, and I promise I will try.

For you and for me.

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I'm Not Dead, I Swear

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