05.26.06
3:50 a.m.
too fat
When I went to the doctor yesterday, I was scared out of my mind. I was unsure whether or not to mention my bulimia. That, compounded with the fact that I had to be weighed, made me have a massive panic attack. No one knows my weight and it's something I keep quite secret.It�s just a number; I realize that.
I arrived at the health center and waited to be called. The wait was longer than normal, apparently they were running behind. I wasn�t mad in the least bit � it�s free and I�m grateful � but my anxiety rose with every passing minute. I must�ve changed my mind about telling the doctor about the bulimia 12 separate times during my wait.
Finally, a nurse called me in, weighed me (which I closed my eyes for because I�ve been depressed enough lately), and took my blood pressure. It was outrageously high: 142/104. The nurse looked a little freaked out, and asked if I had a history of high blood pressure. I told her no, but it�s usually elevated at the doctor�s office and they�ve retested it at the end of an appointment and it�s significantly better.
The nurse told me that the top number fluctuates with stress, but the bottom number usually doesn�t, and 104 is really high. Whatever. The nurse took my history, then asked for my family history.
�Do you have a lot of paper?�
�No, should I get another sheet?�
�Probably.�
So, I begin listing all the ailments that plague my parents and grandparents:
High blood pressure/hypertension
Heart Disease
High cholesterol
Glaucoma
Breast Cancer
IBS
Diverticulosis
Diabetes
Hypo & Hyperthyroid
Hypoglycemia
Lung cancer
Emphysema
Leukemia
Colon cancer
�Oh, and anxiety � which I forgot to tell you I have, too.�
She asked me why I was there, and I told her I was forced to come, but that I needed to get back on my regular medicines. Then I proceeded to lie and told her I used to be on 0.5mg Xanax in addition to the slew of asthma and allergy meds I really was taking at one point. Score! She believed me.
After a short wait, the PA came in and started talking to me. In a moment of weakness, I blurted out that I was bulimic.
Oh fuck. What the hell did I just do?
Then, in the worst moment of my life, she slowly looked down at her chart and said, �Are you sure? You aren�t underweight for your height.�
�
I couldn�t speak. I went completely numb. The painful kind of numb - like when your foot falls asleep. My entire body tingled.
I am too fat to be bulimic. A doctor just told me I was too fat to be bulimic.
I mumbled, �You know, it�s not that bad. I think I might be over reacting. Nevermind.�
She changed the subject to my family history of cancer, and I quit listening. All that I could hear was that line over and over in my head. �Are you sure? You aren�t underweight for your height.�
�Are you sure? You aren�t underweight for your height.�
�Are you sure? You aren�t underweight for your height.�
�Are you sure? You aren�t underweight for your height.�
�Are you sure? You�re too fat to be bulimic�
�You�re too fat.�
�You�re too fat.�
I didn�t hear another word she said.
She also ordered a full blood panel just to make sure I�m not dying. I have to return in a month to go over the lab results, and I will be thinner.
Immediately following the appointment I went to the store to fill some of my prescriptions and I bought Dexatrim and diuretics. I�m not eating for the next month. I will be thinner by my next doctor�s visit.
I know I'm being irrational, but I don�t care.
