03.16.06

2:58 a.m.

my own personal heroin

Iíve been feeling somewhat dizzy all day. I got in bed around 4:00pm and was just going to lie there for a few minutes until I had to get up and get ready for class at 4:30pm.

That didnít work out so well. I didnít wake up until after 7:00pm.

My body is revolting against me. I canít even stand up without feeling lightheaded. Iím sick of this. Iím sick of feeling like this. And, I know I say this all the time and I donít do anything about it. Iím sure youíre sick of hearing it.

But, somethingís eventually got to give, and I think itís my health.

Next Tuesday will mark my one year anniversary of being nicotine free.

Now if only I could quit purging.

Studies cite nicotine to be more addictive than heroin. Iím convinced that my addiction to food, and the high I get when I purge, is much more addictive than either.

You know, I quit smoking cold turkey. That was it. I was done and I wasnít going to smoke another cigarette. Ever.

Unfortunately, I canít do that with food.

Although, I have tried. Thatís why I fast for days at a time. Itís easier to just give up food completely than it is to control myself and not purge.

Itís like asking someone addicted to meth to just cut back a bit.

Or an alcoholic to quit after just one beer.

I honestly donít think Iíll ever have a healthy relationship with food; I never have.

Iíve been a compulsive overeater.
Iíve been anorectic.
Iíve been bulimic.
Iíve been everything but normal around food.

Iím not trying to make excuses or elicit sympathetic comments. I know that if I was a stronger person, I could fix this. If I only had the willpower, I could be better. But I donít, and I canít.

So, I havenít quite figured it out yet, but come Tuesday Iíve got a new addiction to kill.

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