03.16.06
2:58 a.m.
my own personal heroin
I�ve been feeling somewhat dizzy all day. I got in bed around 4:00pm and was just going to lie there for a few minutes until I had to get up and get ready for class at 4:30pm.That didn�t work out so well. I didn�t wake up until after 7:00pm.
My body is revolting against me. I can�t even stand up without feeling lightheaded. I�m sick of this. I�m sick of feeling like this. And, I know I say this all the time and I don�t do anything about it. I�m sure you�re sick of hearing it.
But, something�s eventually got to give, and I think it�s my health.
Next Tuesday will mark my one year anniversary of being nicotine free.
Now if only I could quit purging.
Studies cite nicotine to be more addictive than heroin. I�m convinced that my addiction to food, and the high I get when I purge, is much more addictive than either.
You know, I quit smoking cold turkey. That was it. I was done and I wasn�t going to smoke another cigarette. Ever.
Unfortunately, I can�t do that with food.
Although, I have tried. That�s why I fast for days at a time. It�s easier to just give up food completely than it is to control myself and not purge.
It�s like asking someone addicted to meth to just cut back a bit.
Or an alcoholic to quit after just one beer.
I honestly don�t think I�ll ever have a healthy relationship with food; I never have.
I�ve been a compulsive overeater.
I�ve been anorectic.
I�ve been bulimic.
I�ve been everything but normal around food.
I�m not trying to make excuses or elicit sympathetic comments. I know that if I was a stronger person, I could fix this. If I only had the willpower, I could be better. But I don�t, and I can�t.
So, I haven�t quite figured it out yet, but come Tuesday I�ve got a new addiction to kill.
