09.30.05

2:21 a.m.

fortune

cookies

I nearly ate this fortune as I was shoveling the fortune cookie into my face. But, I stopped long enough to read it. Then I cried.

I remember when I was younger and extremely overweight, all I wanted was to be thin. I remember thinking that an eating disorder would be a godsend and if only I could be anorexic or bulimic my life would be better; that I could control it.

I canít.

And looking back, I see how selfish I was. How selfish I am. This stupid thing is killing me. Slowly and painfully. I hate it. I hate me. I hate who Iíve become, and who Iíve failed to be. I hate everything about this. And, I donít want to call it a disease. Because a disease is something tragic that happens to undeserving people. Iíve begged for this. Iíve done this to myself. I deserve this.

The disgust I feel at the money and food I waste is killing me. I donít think itís the act of purging, or the physical aspects of this, that will kill me. Itís the mental ones. Itís the fact that Iíve spent more money on food in one month, which I donít even really eat, than most people spend on their mortgages.

Itís disgusting. Iím disgusting.

I fucking hate this.

And, I know youíre sick of hearing this, because Iím sick of living it. And, Iím not saying this to elicit sweet responses and caring comments. I want this to end. I hate feeling this way. I want help, but I donít know how, or who, or what.

To be perfectly honest, I donít think I deserve help.

Iím afraid.

I think, ďIf only I can make it one day, Iíll be ok.Ē But I never do, and I never am.

And, I know youíve given up on me. I can tell in the tone of your voice, the way the subject changes, the silence. I know itís hard to love me. I make it that way. Iíve given up on me; I donít blame you for doing the same. And I know youíll say you didnít. Youíll say you never will. And I know in your heart you donít want to, but itís just a matter of time. I donít blame you. Youíve loved me more than anyone has. Ever.

Itís the most amazing feeling; knowing you love me. But, I let you down everyday that I canít stop this.

Iím a failure.

Iím so sorry.


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