09.30.05

2:21 a.m.

fortune

cookies

I nearly ate this fortune as I was shoveling the fortune cookie into my face. But, I stopped long enough to read it. Then I cried.

I remember when I was younger and extremely overweight, all I wanted was to be thin. I remember thinking that an eating disorder would be a godsend and if only I could be anorexic or bulimic my life would be better; that I could control it.

I can�t.

And looking back, I see how selfish I was. How selfish I am. This stupid thing is killing me. Slowly and painfully. I hate it. I hate me. I hate who I�ve become, and who I�ve failed to be. I hate everything about this. And, I don�t want to call it a disease. Because a disease is something tragic that happens to undeserving people. I�ve begged for this. I�ve done this to myself. I deserve this.

The disgust I feel at the money and food I waste is killing me. I don�t think it�s the act of purging, or the physical aspects of this, that will kill me. It�s the mental ones. It�s the fact that I�ve spent more money on food in one month, which I don�t even really eat, than most people spend on their mortgages.

It�s disgusting. I�m disgusting.

I fucking hate this.

And, I know you�re sick of hearing this, because I�m sick of living it. And, I�m not saying this to elicit sweet responses and caring comments. I want this to end. I hate feeling this way. I want help, but I don�t know how, or who, or what.

To be perfectly honest, I don�t think I deserve help.

I�m afraid.

I think, �If only I can make it one day, I�ll be ok.� But I never do, and I never am.

And, I know you�ve given up on me. I can tell in the tone of your voice, the way the subject changes, the silence. I know it�s hard to love me. I make it that way. I�ve given up on me; I don�t blame you for doing the same. And I know you�ll say you didn�t. You�ll say you never will. And I know in your heart you don�t want to, but it�s just a matter of time. I don�t blame you. You�ve loved me more than anyone has. Ever.

It�s the most amazing feeling; knowing you love me. But, I let you down everyday that I can�t stop this.

I�m a failure.

I�m so sorry.


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