08.16.05

1:46 a.m.

what I wish everyone knew

I cry in the shower. Then even I can't distinguish the tears. I cried at the gym. In the shower. For a very long time tonight.

I cried because I'm so disappointed in myself. Iím so lonely. Iím so scared of the future. So scared that no one will ever love me. Scared that Iíll fail. Scared that someone does love me and I keep pushing them away. Scared that Iíll lose them - forever. Scared that someone will know the real me Ė and hurt me again.

When I'm scared, I hide. I have this facade that keeps people away. I'm removed, detached, cold, and judgmental. That way, if someone rejects me, it's not really me they're rejecting. And, it doesn't matter, because I've already written them off.

Except...

Except I'm sick of it. I want to admit that yes, maybe, I think about having a child. But, I think I'd be a horrible mommy. That I'm afraid I'll never find someone to love me enough to want a baby with me - that I'm afraid a baby wouldn't even love me. So, instead, I tell people I don't want one.

I want to admit that Iím scared as hell to go to classes next week. Iím afraid people wonít like me. Or worse, they will and Iíll have to push them away because Iím so afraid of being vulnerable. Of being hurt.

I want to admit I do have feelings Ė even if I project otherwise. And words, no matter how flippant, hurt me.

I want to admit that my biggest fear is being left. All alone. In anger. Because I failed.

I see. I see how my words and actions look to others. I see that I push people away and make them hate me.

Even the ones that do love me.

But, you can give and give and give and give. Nothing will ever be enough for me. Iíll always want more. Because I'm broken. Nothing will fix me anymore. There have been too many men that I've tried to love that don't love me back. That tell me they love me with harsh words, and show me they care with swift slaps and dark bruises. Whose love was conditional upon my behavior, my appearance, my role as the perfect person. Iíve been conditioned to apologize Ė for everything. For the sky being blue; for the earth being round; for the coffee being to cold and the beer being too hot; for my own sadness; for life. Theyíve told me no one will ever love me because I'm worthless. No one. Ever.

So forgive me when I try to, but can't, believe that I'm not worthless.

Forgive me when I push you away.

Forgive me when I push you.

Forgive me when I push.

Forgive me.

...

...

...

...


Because no matter how much it may hurt me, I do love you.


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