03.10.05

7:55 p.m.

grapple

I was wandering through my local King Soopers grocery store, and came across an odd package. The ‘Grapple’ was nested next to the apples, and claimed “Looks like an apple, tastes like a grape!”

Hmm. Frankenfood. Yum.

Taking into consideration that I was at one point an organic only, no animal by product, zealous vegan, I thought I should feel guilty just for looking at them. But, for some reason I was drawn to them. I was doubtful that they really tasted like grapes. But, I took a whiff, and – oh my God – they actually smelled like grapes.

I really, really, really, really wanted to try one. I wanted to convince myself that genetically modified foods weren’t bad. It’s progress people. PROGRESS.

I mean, think of possibilities...

“Looks like a carrot, tastes like a hotdog!”

“Looks like a rutabaga, tastes like a cookie!”

“Looks like a penis, tastes like a vagina!”

Then I flipped the carton over. Apparently, they aren’t even real Franken foods. They just marinate the poor apples in grape juice.

Fuckers.

Then, I thought, “Well hell. That probably works with the penis/vagina situation, too.”

And that’s when I realized I’m not a lesbian, and pushed my little shopping cart into the next aisle.

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