09.13.04

1:40 a.m.

Fear and trepidation

The bar guys have stopped calling...finally. It seems that if you shut people out, they tend to give up on you.

I have a propensity to do that a lot - conceal myself. Here, work, school. Life in general. I never truly reveal everything about myself to anyone. If people knew my weaknesses, my fears, my deficiencies, Iíd be too vulnerable.

My father instilled in me that being weak - being vulnerable - is nothing short of being worthless. I know, intrinsically, that this canít be true. Yet, Iíve let his ideals and principals run my life. From weakness, to perfection, to control. They all go hand in hand, and Iím nothing but an emotional fucking mess because of it.

Iíve gotten over most of my insecurities, but a few linger. ďYouíre stupid. Youíre worthless. Youíre ugly. Youíre fat. Youíll never amount to anything. No one will ever love you. Youíll die alone.Ē Itís regurgitated, though slightly distorted, directly from things Iíve been told since birth.

This lack of self confidence has spawned self destructive tendencies. But the one thatís proved to be the hardest for me to get over, is the control issues I have with my body. At one point in time, I thought food could fix my problems, hide me from the world; I gained an inordinate amount of weight. With it, came more comments, more self doubt, and more pain. Itís sad really, but people treat you different when youíre fat. They assume youíre ignorant and lazy; they discount your opinions, and ignore your existence. Eventually, the weight had become a burden I couldnít bear anymore, and I went from one eating disorder, to another. I lost the weight rather rapidly. It seems that if you exercise ceaselessly, donít eat, (or purge what you do), thatíll happen.

It didnít help. Being thin doesnít make people love you.

Itís made me more secretive about myself, less trusting and more reticent. The same people that wouldnít acknowledge my existence and looked at me with disgust now approach me like Iím a long lost friend. I canít help but question their sincerity.

Now, I live with the mental anguish I inflicted upon myself. I shut people out, I doubt their intentions, and if they get too close, I push them away. I donít want to do that anymore. For once, I want to let someone in. Trust someone. Anyone. Let them see who I really am.

But, itís too hard.

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