09.13.04

1:40 a.m.

Fear and trepidation

The bar guys have stopped calling...finally. It seems that if you shut people out, they tend to give up on you.

I have a propensity to do that a lot - conceal myself. Here, work, school. Life in general. I never truly reveal everything about myself to anyone. If people knew my weaknesses, my fears, my deficiencies, I�d be too vulnerable.

My father instilled in me that being weak - being vulnerable - is nothing short of being worthless. I know, intrinsically, that this can�t be true. Yet, I�ve let his ideals and principals run my life. From weakness, to perfection, to control. They all go hand in hand, and I�m nothing but an emotional fucking mess because of it.

I�ve gotten over most of my insecurities, but a few linger. �You�re stupid. You�re worthless. You�re ugly. You�re fat. You�ll never amount to anything. No one will ever love you. You�ll die alone.� It�s regurgitated, though slightly distorted, directly from things I�ve been told since birth.

This lack of self confidence has spawned self destructive tendencies. But the one that�s proved to be the hardest for me to get over, is the control issues I have with my body. At one point in time, I thought food could fix my problems, hide me from the world; I gained an inordinate amount of weight. With it, came more comments, more self doubt, and more pain. It�s sad really, but people treat you different when you�re fat. They assume you�re ignorant and lazy; they discount your opinions, and ignore your existence. Eventually, the weight had become a burden I couldn�t bear anymore, and I went from one eating disorder, to another. I lost the weight rather rapidly. It seems that if you exercise ceaselessly, don�t eat, (or purge what you do), that�ll happen.

It didn�t help. Being thin doesn�t make people love you.

It�s made me more secretive about myself, less trusting and more reticent. The same people that wouldn�t acknowledge my existence and looked at me with disgust now approach me like I�m a long lost friend. I can�t help but question their sincerity.

Now, I live with the mental anguish I inflicted upon myself. I shut people out, I doubt their intentions, and if they get too close, I push them away. I don�t want to do that anymore. For once, I want to let someone in. Trust someone. Anyone. Let them see who I really am.

But, it�s too hard.

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