09.13.04
1:40 a.m.
Fear and trepidation
The bar guys have stopped calling...finally. It seems that if you shut people out, they tend to give up on you.I have a propensity to do that a lot - conceal myself. Here, work, school. Life in general. I never truly reveal everything about myself to anyone. If people knew my weaknesses, my fears, my deficiencies, I’d be too vulnerable.
My father instilled in me that being weak - being vulnerable - is nothing short of being worthless. I know, intrinsically, that this can’t be true. Yet, I’ve let his ideals and principals run my life. From weakness, to perfection, to control. They all go hand in hand, and I’m nothing but an emotional fucking mess because of it.
I’ve gotten over most of my insecurities, but a few linger. “You’re stupid. You’re worthless. You’re ugly. You’re fat. You’ll never amount to anything. No one will ever love you. You’ll die alone.” It’s regurgitated, though slightly distorted, directly from things I’ve been told since birth.
This lack of self confidence has spawned self destructive tendencies. But the one that’s proved to be the hardest for me to get over, is the control issues I have with my body. At one point in time, I thought food could fix my problems, hide me from the world; I gained an inordinate amount of weight. With it, came more comments, more self doubt, and more pain. It’s sad really, but people treat you different when you’re fat. They assume you’re ignorant and lazy; they discount your opinions, and ignore your existence. Eventually, the weight had become a burden I couldn’t bear anymore, and I went from one eating disorder, to another. I lost the weight rather rapidly. It seems that if you exercise ceaselessly, don’t eat, (or purge what you do), that’ll happen.
It didn’t help. Being thin doesn’t make people love you.
It’s made me more secretive about myself, less trusting and more reticent. The same people that wouldn’t acknowledge my existence and looked at me with disgust now approach me like I’m a long lost friend. I can’t help but question their sincerity.
Now, I live with the mental anguish I inflicted upon myself. I shut people out, I doubt their intentions, and if they get too close, I push them away. I don’t want to do that anymore. For once, I want to let someone in. Trust someone. Anyone. Let them see who I really am.
But, it’s too hard.
