08.01.04
11:42 a.m.
Internal Monologue
I’m having second thoughts about this college thing. No, I’m not dropping out; I’m just reconsidering taking 16 hours. Maybe I shouldn’t immerse myself so quickly. I’m thinking of dropping one of the electives, which would leave me with 13 hours. I think that’s plenty. I don’t have to prove myself to anyone, except me.I’m pretty sure the only reason I decided to take the course was to prove my condescending advisor wrong.
Not to mention, I have this horrible habit of overwhelming myself, deciding I can’t do it, then quitting. Because, you know, quitting is better than failing, right? I know how absurd that sounds and I know my rationale lacks substance. So, to preempt this vicious cycle of self-destruction I think I’m going to drop the class.
I went as far as the website could let me without officially dropping the class. I just couldn’t click submit. There are 10 people on the waitlist for that class, and if I drop it now, there’s no turning back. I can’t convince myself that this isn’t a sign of weakness. It’s a sign of maturity and knowing my boundaries. It’s knowing that I’m going to be overwhelmed, overworked, stressed, and will eventually fail. Or quit. Either way, it’s not going to be a pretty ending.
Why can’t I, just for once, turn off the voices in my head that tell me I have to be perfect, I have to do more and work harder than anyone else, and I have to do it in less time? This internal monologue is going to be the death of me.
