08.01.04
11:42 a.m.
Internal Monologue
I�m having second thoughts about this college thing. No, I�m not dropping out; I�m just reconsidering taking 16 hours. Maybe I shouldn�t immerse myself so quickly. I�m thinking of dropping one of the electives, which would leave me with 13 hours. I think that�s plenty. I don�t have to prove myself to anyone, except me.I�m pretty sure the only reason I decided to take the course was to prove my condescending advisor wrong.
Not to mention, I have this horrible habit of overwhelming myself, deciding I can�t do it, then quitting. Because, you know, quitting is better than failing, right? I know how absurd that sounds and I know my rationale lacks substance. So, to preempt this vicious cycle of self-destruction I think I�m going to drop the class.
I went as far as the website could let me without officially dropping the class. I just couldn�t click submit. There are 10 people on the waitlist for that class, and if I drop it now, there�s no turning back. I can�t convince myself that this isn�t a sign of weakness. It�s a sign of maturity and knowing my boundaries. It�s knowing that I�m going to be overwhelmed, overworked, stressed, and will eventually fail. Or quit. Either way, it�s not going to be a pretty ending.
Why can�t I, just for once, turn off the voices in my head that tell me I have to be perfect, I have to do more and work harder than anyone else, and I have to do it in less time? This internal monologue is going to be the death of me.
