08.01.04

11:42 a.m.

Internal Monologue

Iím having second thoughts about this college thing. No, Iím not dropping out; Iím just reconsidering taking 16 hours. Maybe I shouldnít immerse myself so quickly. Iím thinking of dropping one of the electives, which would leave me with 13 hours. I think thatís plenty. I donít have to prove myself to anyone, except me.

Iím pretty sure the only reason I decided to take the course was to prove my condescending advisor wrong.

Not to mention, I have this horrible habit of overwhelming myself, deciding I canít do it, then quitting. Because, you know, quitting is better than failing, right? I know how absurd that sounds and I know my rationale lacks substance. So, to preempt this vicious cycle of self-destruction I think Iím going to drop the class.

I went as far as the website could let me without officially dropping the class. I just couldnít click submit. There are 10 people on the waitlist for that class, and if I drop it now, thereís no turning back. I canít convince myself that this isnít a sign of weakness. Itís a sign of maturity and knowing my boundaries. Itís knowing that Iím going to be overwhelmed, overworked, stressed, and will eventually fail. Or quit. Either way, itís not going to be a pretty ending.

Why canít I, just for once, turn off the voices in my head that tell me I have to be perfect, I have to do more and work harder than anyone else, and I have to do it in less time? This internal monologue is going to be the death of me.

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