07.11.04

11:50 p.m.

I know why I'll die alone

Itís quite apparent why Iím single; Iím the worst date on the planet.

Friday, I went on a date. The plan was to meet at a bar downtown and then walk to the theater to see Fahrenheit 9/11. While I was at the bar I decided to grab a Bloody Mary and calm my nerves. Itís been awhile since Iíve been on a blind date, and I must admit I was a little nervous. Let me just interject that Iím a complete moron when Iím nervous and things just bypass the filter between my mind and my mouth. Well, he showed up and we started talking. Being the blatantly honest person I am, I just started saying whatever came to my mind. Also, I didn't quite comprehend the fact that I didn't know this person, and my sarcastic comments and my big mouth might actually offend him. He asked how my week went, I said, ďGreat, I was in court on Thursday for my bankruptcy hearingĒ. Hmm...not quite the best topic for a first date. He mentioned he worked with credit card encryption. I quickly opened my mouth and said something to the effect of: ďCan you make me rich?Ē Now, I look like a complete money grubbing ass. Iím also pretty sure I mentioned drugs, hermaphrodites and jail time. Wow, Iím a catch.

Being the nice guy he obviously was, he didnít run the other direction. We started walking down to the theater, and I literally called him a dork. It was completely in jest, but nonetheless, I called the poor guy a dork. I wanted to run away.

Ok, movie time. I couldnít possibly say anything moronic in a movie theater right? True, but it doesnít mean I canít make an ass out of myself. During the most heart wrenching scenes, I was probably the only person in the theater who wasnít misty eyed; Iím sure I came off as some cold-hearted bitch. So, movies donít make me emotional, and I'm a black hole of emotion Ė sue me. I laughed at the most inappropriate times, and I was silent when others were laughing.

Finally, the movie was over and the credits started rolling; people started clapping (which annoys the crap out of me Ė for Godís sake itís a flipping movie). I immediately stood up. I then noticed I was the only one standing. Everyone was so enthralled with the movie that they insisted on reading the credits. I immediately sat back down. He glanced at me like I was crazy. Ok, it looked safe to stand, so I began walking out of the theater. I think he followed - I probably shouldíve waited. Phew Ė he was right beside me and we started to talk about the movie. He loved it Ė I didnít. (I thought it was nothing more than Bush bashing propaganda, and if Michael Moore had the inclination to make a movie stating that I single-handedly started the war, he couldíve. Now, I hate Bush as much as the next liberal, but heís a moron and doesnít have the brainpower to be the mastermind behind all the conspiracy theories stated in the movie.)

As we chatted I headed straight for my car and didnít even bother asking where he was parked. We stopped at an intersection and he said his car was parked the other direction. Poor guy, he was looking for the quickest way to exit the date. I thanked him for the movie and we went our separate ways.

Now...I feel like a complete bitch. He was kind and put up with my nervous/sarcastic/rude comments like a champ. The things that irritate me the most Ė Iím not a bitch, I didnít mean to be rude, and Iím fairly certain I scared the shit out of him. My sense of humor should be contained until people know me better; it can sound incredibly rude if you donít know Iím joking. Also, I'm never going to a social event when my mind is preoccupied again. I was in too much of a rush to go home, and didn't focus any of my attention on the task at hand.

I promise I will never wonder why Iím single again.

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