05.28.04

12:20 a.m.

Funk

Funk n. (fu'ngk)

1. A state of cowardly fright; a panic.

2. A state of severe depression.

I think my state of mind qualifies for both definitions. What in the hell have I been doing with my life? I�m 24 (ok, almost 25) and what do I have to show for it? A plethora of animals, debt, and recently it seems - self pity. Ok, I actually like the animals. The debt will be taken care of soon; I�ve filed for bankruptcy. But the self pity, that�s the one that kills me. I shouldn�t be wallowing in it. I�ve made my bed, now I should lie in it. Oh, how clich�s are often true. I should�ve done what I was supposed to when I was younger. I knew the difference between right and wrong. Now, finally, I�m in the right frame of mind to fix it. Damn responsibility.

So what brought this on you ask? I ran into an old high school friend (before all the drugs and rebellion). He was visiting his family, and I happen to run into him at the grocery store during lunch.

Me: looking disheveled in scrubs, and probably smelling of anal glands or some other God awful animal secretion.

Him: dressed nicely, looking quite pulled together. With a refreshing absence of any revolting smell.

Seems that he�s graduated from MIT, and currently working as a mechanical engineer for some company I�ve never heard of, but I can guarantee pays well. We said our �Hello� and �How�ve you been�. I asked about his family, he feigned interest in mine. I told him I had to get back to work, and he walked me to my car. It so happened that he parked right next to my beat up �97 Chevy Cavalier (still lacking air bags). We hugged goodbye and promised to keep in touch, and then he slid right into the driver�s side of a brand spankin new Lexus.

Now, this is the guy who cheated off of me on every test in junior high and high school. I tutored him in calculus before getting drunk and partying with him; taught him Spanish creatively � every correct answer deserves a shot of tequila. I single-handedly helped make him the valedictorian. And now? Look how our lives have gone off in completely different tangents.

I guess there�s a lot to be said about ambition. I lacked it for a very long time. I think I�m finally starting to realize that I need to get off my lazy ass; the world doesn�t owe me anything. I�m not the only kid whose parents divorced at 16 and had to raise themselves. Damn it Julie...get over it. You can�t change it now.

Like I said...I�m in a funk. Please forgive me.

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