05.28.04

12:20 a.m.

Funk

Funk n. (fu'ngk)

1. A state of cowardly fright; a panic.

2. A state of severe depression.

I think my state of mind qualifies for both definitions. What in the hell have I been doing with my life? I’m 24 (ok, almost 25) and what do I have to show for it? A plethora of animals, debt, and recently it seems - self pity. Ok, I actually like the animals. The debt will be taken care of soon; I’ve filed for bankruptcy. But the self pity, that’s the one that kills me. I shouldn’t be wallowing in it. I’ve made my bed, now I should lie in it. Oh, how clichés are often true. I should’ve done what I was supposed to when I was younger. I knew the difference between right and wrong. Now, finally, I’m in the right frame of mind to fix it. Damn responsibility.

So what brought this on you ask? I ran into an old high school friend (before all the drugs and rebellion). He was visiting his family, and I happen to run into him at the grocery store during lunch.

Me: looking disheveled in scrubs, and probably smelling of anal glands or some other God awful animal secretion.

Him: dressed nicely, looking quite pulled together. With a refreshing absence of any revolting smell.

Seems that he’s graduated from MIT, and currently working as a mechanical engineer for some company I’ve never heard of, but I can guarantee pays well. We said our “Hello” and “How’ve you been”. I asked about his family, he feigned interest in mine. I told him I had to get back to work, and he walked me to my car. It so happened that he parked right next to my beat up ‘97 Chevy Cavalier (still lacking air bags). We hugged goodbye and promised to keep in touch, and then he slid right into the driver’s side of a brand spankin new Lexus.

Now, this is the guy who cheated off of me on every test in junior high and high school. I tutored him in calculus before getting drunk and partying with him; taught him Spanish creatively – every correct answer deserves a shot of tequila. I single-handedly helped make him the valedictorian. And now? Look how our lives have gone off in completely different tangents.

I guess there’s a lot to be said about ambition. I lacked it for a very long time. I think I’m finally starting to realize that I need to get off my lazy ass; the world doesn’t owe me anything. I’m not the only kid whose parents divorced at 16 and had to raise themselves. Damn it Julie...get over it. You can’t change it now.

Like I said...I’m in a funk. Please forgive me.

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